What Does This Mean?

| 8/13/2012 1:33:00 PM

My Field TripI mentioned the loss of my mother in the blog entry, The Gravel Road of Grieving, and now I have a puzzle that is disturbing to me. Perhaps you can help me find an answer. This morning as I woke I had a strong image, something I’ve never seen before and yet so powerful that it lingered with me all day until I finally sat down at the computer and tried to recreate the image.

my dream 

It’s close to what I saw, enough so that we can discuss it. I can’t figure out what it means, if it means anything at all.  

Part of my grieving process has been delayed to a nagging doubt that I did not act properly after my mother’s death. Everyone reacts differently to a traumatic occurrence, but my reaction is one that brings me great shame and guilt. 

I was sitting by her side, watching her when I realized that she was no longer breathing. I stared at her beautiful face for a long time before I announced to others in the room that she was gone, and then I calmly rose, went to the window and opened it, breathed deeply and went home.  

I didn’t realize that I was in shock, denial, refusing to recognize the truth of the matter. I’ve heard of denial, but I honestly didn’t believe that the mind was that powerful; strong enough to wipe away reality.  It was several months later when the truth started filtering into my mind and the sobbing, crying and total desperation of truth came through. My precious, wonderful mother was gone but what was worse was the knowledge that I did not react properly. I didn’t say a prayer. I didn’t insure that she made her way to heaven. She was so confused and lost in life suffering from Alzheimer’s, and I wasn’t sure that she found her way. I had horrible thoughts that she was wandering the halls of that hospice house looking for me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t feel good about myself at all.